| Blocks to effective listening Comparing
-- Trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy, etc.
Mind Reading -- Trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking or
feeling.
Rehearsing -- Focusing attention on what you are going to say next.
Filtering -- Listening to some things, but not others. You fail to 'hear'
certain things, such as negative comments or criticism.
Judging -- Negative labels have a lot of power, so if you prejudge someone as
stupid or unqualified, you don't pay much attention to what they say.
Dreaming -- Something the person says triggers a chain or private associations.
Identifying -- You take everything a person tells you and refer back to your own
experience. You launch into your own story before they can finish theirs.
Advising -- You are the great problem solver, ready with help and suggestions.
You don't have to hear more than a few sentences before you are offering the right
advice.
Sparring -- You argue and debate with people. The other person never feels
heard because you are so quick to disagree.
Being Right -- You will go to any length to avoid being wrong (twist the facts,
shout, make excuses).
Derailing -- You suddenly change the subject, especially when you are bored or
uncomfortable with a topic.
Placating -- "Right, right, absolutely, I know, yes..." You want
to be nice, pleasant, supportive, so you agree with everything, even if you are only half
listening.
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Elements of Active Listening Clarification
-- Confirm the accuracy of you perceptions about the other's message. "Can you
tell me more about that?" "I'm not sure I understand; could you go over
that again?"
Paraphrase -- Listen with openness, then objectively rephrase the content of
what the person has just said in your own words. This is an expression of your
understanding of the situation.
Reflection -- Listen with empathy. Try to understand where the other
person is coming from, the rephrase the affective part of the message (what the other
person is feeling.) "It's sounds like you're feeling..." "Can
you tell me more about how this makes you feel?"
Summarization -- Two or more paraphrases or reflections that condense the
person's message. "Could I summarize by saying...?" |
